


The Sacred Bogroll; a True Blessing in These Trying Times

by confessionsofachocoholic



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: #LetAgathaLive2k20, #StayAtHome2020, Agatha & Baz Being Too Dramatic For Their Own Good, Agatha Makes Bad Jokes, Baz Loves his Clothes, COVID-19, Carry On Quarantine, Carry On Quarantine - Toilet Paper, Clothes Sharing, Crack, Crack Fic, Cults, Fluff and Crack, Found Family, Gen, Guess Who Tries to Start a Toilet Paper Cult?, Huddling For Warmth, Humour, In This House We Love & Respect Agatha Wellbelove, M/M, Multi, Penelope is Done with People, Platonic Relationships, She's Especially Done with Baz & Simon's Flirting, Shepard is a Bean who Loves Magic, Simon Snow is a Sci-Fi Geek, Simon Snow loves Star Wars, Sort of Toilet Humour, Star Wars - Freeform, The Toilet Paper Crisis of 2020, Watching Netflix with The Fam™️, Worshiping The Toilet Paper Gods, attempted humour, cult jokes, netflix, platonic fluff, sort of crack fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23781076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/confessionsofachocoholic/pseuds/confessionsofachocoholic
Summary: Baz returns to the Snow-Bunce flat with groceries and a trunk of clothes.Simon is trying to pick a movie on Netflix, Shepard is too entranced by Penelope and Agatha spelling the groceries away to give any input.Agatha finds something spectacular amongst the groceries.—Sometimes it's the small things that create memorable silly moments in bleak times.
Relationships: Agatha Wellbelove & Shepard, Penelope Bunce & Agatha Wellbelove & Shepard, Penelope Bunce & Shepard, Penelope Bunce & Simon Snow, Penelope Bunce & Simon Snow & Agatha Wellbelove, Penelope Bunce & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Penelope Bunce & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Shepard & Simon Snow & Agatha Wellbelove, Shepard & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Agatha Wellbelove, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Shepard, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow & Agatha Wellbelove, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 19
Kudos: 125
Collections: Agatha Wellbelove fics, Carry On Collection - Quarantine Edition





	The Sacred Bogroll; a True Blessing in These Trying Times

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to thank the lovely giishu and sourcherrymagicks from the Carry On Discord for taking the time to beta this fic and giving their wonderful insight on ways to make it better! 💖😊

Baz 

Etiquette lessons teach you a lot of things about politeness. Kicking at a door in lieu of knocking does not make the list for polite ways of announcing one’s arrival; but we’re in the middle of a pandemic and my hands are full, so fuck politeness. 

The door opens, a comforting scent of what could be interpreted as an aggressively fresh home-cooked meal wafts out of the Snow-Bunce flat and that’s how I know Penelope Bunce has spelled the door open. 

I step through the entryway, placing down the bags of groceries and my trunk full of clothes before casting as many cleaning and sanitising spells as I can manage. I barely take a breath to exchange pleasantries with Penelope before practically bolting to take a shower. 

The trunk may seem overly extravagant, but I’d rather not wait to find out how long it’ll take before I wear out the elastic in the few pairs of pants I have here; I dread to imagine how Shepard and Wellbelove are fairing with the clothing situation. We’ve all been borrowing from Snow and Bunce and I figured at least Wellbelove might be able to appreciate some more wardrobe options - besides, health crisis or not, I’ll be damned if I don’t make an effort to do it in style. 

I shed my clothes and turn on the taps, spelling the spray of the showerhead to a reasonable temperature - nearly boiling - before stepping into the warmth, letting the chill of rainy London that’s settled in my bones just melt away for a brief peaceful moment until I all but scrub myself raw with shampoo, conditioner and body wash. 

_ It’s nice to be clean, _ I think, turning the shower knobs off and wrapping a towel around myself,  _ like waking after a good night’s sleep and feeling new again. _

It’s only once I’ve spelled my hair dry and turned to look for my clothes that I realised I’ve not brought clean garments in with me - I could probably spell my clothes clean, but the magic behind the words won’t be powerful enough to effectively kill off any potential germs given that this virus that’s been going around is such a new thing. I’d rather not risk it, but I’m not about to strut out there with only a towel. 

I’ve been lucky enough to escape the embarrassment of having my friends or boyfriend witnessing me in anything remotely close to a state of undress - the others haven’t been as fortunate in that regard, which isn’t a surprise seeing that there’s five of us living in such close quarters - I refuse to let my dignity take an exit on stage left today. 

Simon

I’m flicking through Netflix while Shepard - who’s supposed to be helping me pick a movie for tonight - watches in awe as Penny and Agatha use their magic to put away all the groceries. I roll my eyes knowing he’s not going to be making movie suggestions anytime soon. Then I hear someone.

“Hello?” Baz calls out, presumably from the bathroom, his voice muffled by the door in the hallway. 

I get up from my spot on the sofa so I can knock on the door, then shake my head because it seems a stupid thing to do. “Baz, you okay in there?” I ask. 

“Yes, I just…” a pause, “would you be a dear and bring me some clothes from my trunk?” 

I offer an answer of affirmation. 

After making several fruitless attempts to undo the latches of the trunk, I decide  _ ‘fuck it’ _ and just get something of mine for Baz to wear. 

“Hey, I couldn’t get it open. But here...” I say, loud enough for him to hear me through the door.

“It’s okay.” The door opens a crack and Baz awkwardly sticks his arm out. I hand my boyfriend the clothes and wait for him to get dressed. 

Baz

I step into the hallway in my boyfriend’s - comfortable but unfashionable - hoodie and tracksuit bottoms, as  afore-mentioned boyfriend rocks awkwardly back and forth on his heels and toes. 

“How was the outside world?” Simon asks, his eyes lit with something frantic and hungry. He’s been absolutely itching to get out of this bloody flat since this whole disaster started; a stark difference from the pre-America, post-Watford Simon who’d seldom leave the confines of the flat - assuming he’d manage to pry himself from the sofa’s plush cushions first… 

“There  _ is _ no outside world, Snow, only Purgatory.” I dead-pan. 

He rolls his eyes at me, and opens his mouth to make some sarcastic quip or another when-

_ “Basilton hath found the Lord’s sacred tissue amidst this apocalypse!” _ Wellbelove’s voice rings out from outside the hallway.

“I’m beginning to think you’re becoming a bad influence on her…” Snow says in a mock-suspicious tone. 

“Maybe that’s just my incredibly well-executed  _ plot _ coming to fruition.” I counter. 

“Yeah.” He scoffs, I can imagine his wings would give a little flap of something like fond exasperation if they weren’t spelled away; it only took a week to decide that accidental wing-slaps were going to be an issue with five of us crammed in this flat like a can of sardines. “Well c’mon, you scheming mastermind; let’s get out there.” Snow takes my hand and leads me into the living-room. 

“Would anyone care to tell-” 

My jaw drops in shock at the bizarre scene before my very eyes. 

“They look like they’ve jumped right out of a tumblr shit-post…” Simon mutters in what sounds like an odd mixture of horror and admiration. 

What I’m seeing feels like a hallucination, because Wellbelove is on the floor doing the splits and holding a 24 pack of triple-ply rolls of toilet paper towards the ceiling; Bunce is at her right, awkwardly doing jazz hands in the direction of the toilet paper in this half-crouching and half-leaning back position that  _ cannot _ be comfortable and Shepard is kneeling on Agatha’s left-hand-side, looking at the pack of loo rolls like they’ve brought meaning to his life with his hands clasped together above his head like he’s praying to the toilet paper.

“Join us, Simon.” Wellbelove says, with a mad glint in her eye and a smile creepy enough to rival that of a haunted doll in a horror movie.

“One of us! One of us!” Penelope and Shepard start chanting in unison. 

It’s official, the cabin-fever has gotten to them, it is too late to hope their sanity will return anytime soon. I’m half surprised they’ve forgone a uniform of tinfoil-hats, it seems incredibly on-brand for how they’re acting. 

Simon - bless his soul - just clutches onto my shoulder and laughs. As the laughter progresses Snow lets go of me, one hand resting on his right knee and the other  pressing into his stomach, as if that’s how he plans on maintaining his balance; it proves to be an insufficient strategy, for soon Simon Snow is brought undone with each laboured gasp and wheeze that escapes his mouth - falls onto his hands and knees, slides down onto his belly then starts rolling back and forth swiping away the tears of joy streaming down his beautiful face. 

“You lot,” I start, “have completely lost it, haven’t you?”

\--- 

Simon

I’m still recovering from the pleasant burn that comes from laughing  _ way _ too hard. My chest feels… lighter? Like all the heavy tension has just been knocked out of me if that makes sense. My cheeks hurt too. 

I’m on the sofa flicking through Netflix again when Baz comes back from taking his trunk to my room - well  _ our _ room for the past however many weeks it’s been. 

Baz sits down next to me. Fuck, he’s freezing. 

“You’re cold.” I say, with a frown. 

“That would be a result of my being undead, dear.” Baz says dryly. 

“You shouldn’t be this cold,” I argue, “you just had a shower.” I put my arm around his waist as he saddles up to my side. 

“You’ll just have to warm me up then.” Baz whispers. 

“Oh c’mon, you leggy tosser…” I mutter, pulling him into my lap and resting my chin on his shoulder. 

“Oi! You two, with the flirting -  _ cut it out!” _ Penny shouts. I swear, she has spidey-senses for when Baz and I are flirting. 

“I meant with a nice blanket.” Baz yells back, as I grab a blanket and wrap it around us both. 

“My left arse-cheek, you did! I can  _ hear _ your eyebrows waggling suggestively from here, Pitch!” 

“And what are you gonna do about it?” Baz challenges. 

“So help me I  _ will _ find a spray bottle!” Penny declares, which puzzles me. 

“What for?” I ask, apprehensively. 

“So she can spray you with water like you’re a pair of naughty cats!” Agatha says, without missing a beat, it makes Shepard snort. 

Agatha

“Alright, you two, either help me put stuff away or get out of my kitchen.” Penny says to Shepard and I, shooing us into the living room. 

Shep takes the opposite end of the couch where Simon and Baz are huddled together like penguins and I sit in the middle. 

“So, Baz,” I start, “how did you manage to find toilet paper?” 

“Well, for starters I went to a grocery store-” I give him a look “-what?” 

“Do you know how scarce it’s been?” I ask. “Apparently people are rationing it out, like they did in war-times. There have been full-on  _ brawls _ over it!” 

“Well, they must’ve restocked.” Baz shrugs. He’s clearly adopting Simon’s habits. 

Penelope makes her way into the living room. 

“Alright.” She says, settling into an arm-chair. “What are we watching?” 

“We’re watching Si try to make a very important decision.” I tease. 

“Imagine I’m flipping you off, my arms are otherwise occupied.” Simon says, grouchily. “Oh look, Star Wars!” 

_ “Not again!”  _ Baz and I protest at the same time. 

_ “Episode Five,” _ Simon bargains, “the last one we watched was  _ Episode Four. _ This is a different film.” 

“I don’t trust a franchise that labels its films as  _ episodes.”  _ Baz counters. 

“Now who has  _ ‘no appreciation for the classics’?” _ Simon shoots back. 

“Simon, I’m begging you, if I have to watch another sci-fi  _ anything, _ I am going to lose my marbles.” I plead.    
“With that little stunt with the toilet paper earlier, I’d say you already have…” Simon mutters. 

“I’d do anything to make you guys laugh in these trying times.” I can’t help but admit. “All my mother’s prim and  proper standards get thrown out the window for my found family.” 

“Aw, that’s too sweet, Wellbelove.” Basil mocks, playfully pinching my cheek. “You actually  _ care.” _ I swat his hand away. 

“Hey!” Shepard cuts in, grinning as he reads something off his phone. “Did you know in Australia they call toilet paper  _ ‘bogrolls’?” _

“Stop giving Agatha material for the name of her cult.” Penny jokes. 

_ “The Blessed Bogroll Bundle!”  _ I cheer, pleased with myself for the terrible pun I’m about to unleash on these dear friends of mine.  _ “Taking names and wiping arse!” _

_ “NO!”  _ Everyone groans. 


End file.
